It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace

"There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something heavenly...
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly"
-Sanctus Real, Whatever You're Doing

This seems to sum up what the last two weeks (or really what the last month) has been like for me. The month started with attacks on our marriage, then struggles with family, then finding out about a life-threatening health condition, and now struggles with insurance over the meds so I can literally stay alive. I don't know what God is doing or allowing to happen, but our faith is seriously being rocked. And although we don't have a clue as to "why us", we are daily praising God and trusting in his heavenly process.

I'm pretty sure that any of you reading this know that about two weeks ago doctors discovered a blood clot in the main artery of my left leg that starts somewhere (that's right, they aren't sure where!) above my pelvis and ends at my knee, plus extends halfway down both branches of the artery as well. Doctors said they weren't necessarily impressed by the extent of the clot but more by the fact that I was still alive with this clot. They said with the size of it and with my continued activity, I was "lucky". Praise God that he has a plan for me past today!

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion for us. One day I will be okay. Mostly upbeat but tired, and wanting to participate in life around me. Other days, like today, I am so overwhelmed with frustration, stress, fear, and grief that I just want to close the doors and windows and cry in a dark room until I fall asleep. Yet I'm clinging to Job 2:10: "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?"

Our most recent debacle centers over our insurance. First of all, praise God we were accepted to Medi-Cal the end of June at 100%! God knows everything! Now, we've been "working" with our pharmacy to make sure that Medi-Cal will pay for the shots I need to inject myself with twice a day for the next 6 months (yuck). Apparently Medi-Cal usually only pays for about a week and my pharmacy knew that I would need a TAR (Treatment Authorization Request) since my prescription is for longer than the week! They put this together, sent it off to Medi-Cal and we called at the end of the week to check on this b/c I was going to run out of shots today. Yesterday the pharmacist said they should hear back by the end of the day and due to my situation, it shouldn't be a problem. So I took my last shot this morning and we called the pharmacy to see if we could pick up my next six shots (I know, 3 days at a time is all we get, good grief!) and they said Medi-Cal deferred the TAR b/c they were unsure if my due date was 1/09 or 1/10 and since it's deferred, I can't have any shots. Interesting. Don't you think it's common sense to assume my EDD is 1/10 if I'm PREGNANT!!! We called the on-call doctor and they were amazed at the stupid error and told me to make sure I got the shots I need from somewhere because (and this is a quote) "if you miss a shot, you could die." Awesome. Thanks for that. So we spent the morning driving from pharmacy to pharmacy to find someone who would help us and finally landed at Owens. Other pharmacies said we could buy one shot for $60 (that's $240 to get me through Monday morning!) but Owen's said they would give us the 4 shots in good faith expecting that Medi-Cal will start using their brain and approve the TAR for the shots for the rest of my pregnancy. Here's a huge shout-out to Owen's Pharmacy and their workers! I love them!

I love how God works with messy situations. Although each step of this blood clot has been really hard, he's provided every step of the way. Even today, my mom drove by the pharmacy and saw our van and stopped by to trade cars and take Elliot so we didn't have to entertain him while all of this was going on and then told us to go out to lunch together when it was done. Then a friend stopped by with some basic pantry items for us that we were running low on and handed Eric a check (without knowing what happened today) that will cover the cost of the shots we got today if we have to pay for them. God is CRAZY amazing. He knows EVERYTHING!

Anyways, I haven't been on here since all this happened b/c I just didn't know what to write since each day is so different. But I thought since today started with me crying through the morning and is ending with me still loving the Lord, it was a good day to share. Eric and I want to thank EVERYONE who has been praying for us, who has visited, called, emailed, texted, etc, brought food, encouraged and so much more that we will never be able to repay. We are both overwhelmed and humbled by your love. Thank you.